When you’re in a relationship, you should trust your partner completely. You should feel secure and warm around them, and you should never have to worry about your safety. So when one woman shared online that her boyfriend had locked her in a bathroom for hours until the police came, readers were immediately concerned.
Below, you’ll find the full story that was recently posted on the “Am I the [Jerk]?” subreddit, as well as a conversation with Laura Sinko, PhD, MSHP, RN, CCTS-I, Director of Research and Evaluation at Our Wave.
After studying at a coffee shop, this woman went to see her boyfriend
Image credits: towfiqu98 / envatoelements (not the actual photo)
But the day quickly turned into a nightmare when he decided to lock her in the bathroom for hours
Image credits: kryzhov /envatoelements (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Beginning-Guard-2406
“Often, those who perpetrate that abuse can come across as extremely charming, kind and loving at times”
Image credits: Vija Rindo Pratama / pexels (not the actual photo)
To gain more insight into this situation, we reached out to Laura Sinko, PhD, MSHP, RN, CCTS-I, Director of Research and Evaluation at Our Wave, a nonprofit dedicated to empowering survivors of sexual assault. Dr. Sinko told We that it is very common for abusive behavior to suddenly emerge in an intimate relationship, even if the partner has never acted that way before.
“Often, those who perpetrate that abuse can come across as extremely charming, kind and loving at times, which makes the abusive incidents even more shocking, confusing and disorienting for the person who experiences the violence,” she continued. “This cycle of alternating between ‘good’ and ‘bad’ behavior is actually a typical hallmark of an abusive relationship dynamic and can slowly escalate overtime.”
Dr. Sinko does note, however, that an abuser’s behavior rarely starts out at the extreme level described in this story. “More frequently, abuse starts with smaller incidents that get continuously worse as the abuser tests boundaries and works on breaking down their partner’s sense of self-worth and resistance to the mistreatment,” she explained. “This insidious pattern of escalation is how seemingly ‘good’ partners are able to eventually perpetrate severely abusive acts.”
“No one deserves to be disrespected or verbally abused in the ways described”
Image credits: Erik Mclean / pexels (not the actual photo)
We were also curious if calling the police was the right move to make in a situation like this. “In a situation where one feels truly trapped, fearful for their safety, and desperate as this woman did, calling the police was an understandable and appropriate move,” she told We.
“When a partner has physically restrained you against your will and is not allowing you to leave, that constitutes false imprisonment and a threat to your personal autonomy and safety,” Dr. Sink added. “Getting law enforcement involved can sometimes help de-escalate a volatile domestic situation.”
But the expert acknowledges that involving the police is not always the best or safest choice for everyone, particularly for marginalized populations who may face additional risks or discrimination. “Other options she could have tried were contacting a friend/family member for help, or calling a domestic violence hotline,” Dr. Sinko shared. “She should not fault herself for the decision she made at that moment, however. Trusting your gut is always the right call.”
The expert also says that, based on the information provided, this woman did absolutely nothing to provoke or deserve the cruel, abusive treatment from her boyfriend. “No difference of opinion or argument justifies that level of controlling behavior, false imprisonment, emotional abuse and intimidation that he subjected her to,” Dr. Sinko noted. “I would urge her to resist apologizing or taking accountability for his completely unacceptable choices. No one deserves to be disrespected or verbally abused in the ways described.”
“This probably was not a one-off incident, but part of a very serious pattern of abuse”
Image credits: MART PRODUCTION / pexels (not the actual photo)
As far as advice the expert would give this woman, she would like her to know that “this probably was not a one-off incident, but part of a very serious pattern of abuse that will likely continue to escalate,” and “she should prioritize her own safety, autonomy and well-being above any impulse to rationalize or excuse his actions.”
“She might consider seeking out support services from violence advocates in the community or through her university to safety plan and explore options, and she should consider terminating the relationship, as her partner has proven himself to be abusive, unpredictable, and unwilling to take accountability,” Dr. Sinko added.
The expert also wanted to make it clear thatthis traumatic experience was in no way this woman’s fault. “The abuse is his choice alone, and a product of his issues rather than any shortcoming on her part,” she told We. “With time, counseling, and support from loved ones, she can begin to overcome this traumatic situation she has endured. Her instinct to reach out when she felt unsafe was the right one – staying safe must be her top priority moving forward.”
Dr. Sinko also provided some resources for this woman, or anyone else who wants to learn more about how violence and abuse can manifest in relationships. “I would advise her to check out our website at Our Wave. We answer anonymous survivor questionsand provide a space for people toshare their stories to process traumatic experiences and learn from the experiences of others.”
Later, the woman shared more information about the situation
Readers assured her that she had done nothing wrong and warned her about the dangers of her boyfriend’s behavior
